booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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