god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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