I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize