He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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