My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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