I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize