i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
