Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
