Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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