Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
