I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
