There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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