We won't sleep together?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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