Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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