I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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