I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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