I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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