the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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