Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
