Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need a beard to bite.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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