remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't deserve a penis
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
