my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
