I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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