Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
