If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
