She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
