Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize