Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
