And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
