Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
