Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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