I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
