My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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