I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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