Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
