I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Randomize
