Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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