dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
