Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
