So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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