Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
