i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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