my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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