Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
