he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
