I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
