Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
