i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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