also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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