Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
