the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
