And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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