dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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