Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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