I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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