You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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