I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
