my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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