his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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