it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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